Friday, November 14, 2008
Last night the full moon was mocking me. It stared down at me large and clear; tempting me into anger, frustration, pity and sorrow. I decided to capture it and mold it into what I felt it should represent for once instead of letting it control my emotions. I put it behind a cage, forever at a distance separated by unending links and gave it a companion to inflict it's wrath on. Leaving me free to feel what I needed to feel without the added pressure of a lunar cycle I was able to let go last night and cry. I slept and this morning woke up with a new resolve.
Possessions are not anything I should be upset over. My memories are precious to me and if I lose a few pictures or mementos from my childhood it's ok. I still have my mom and that's what matters most. She will need to grieve the loss of these things, and I'll understand if she becomes angry with me for a time.
There are things I want to say like her parents were never there for her, the men she had in her life broke her down, the pain she suffers from medical issues caused her to get to this point; but honestly I won't make excuses for her. She has lived long enough to know better, and all mistakes she makes now are her own. I've never blamed her for mine and have always been aware that all mistakes I make are something to learn from; but they are mine.
I was reminded last night that all the wonderful things in my life hasn't changed over the last week and a half. I still have great friends, family support that not only comes from my blood relatives but Panda's amazing family who treats me like one of their own, a great job, I live in a beautiful city that I get to appreciate every day, a hobby that has turned into a true outlet for me and a love of music that lifts me up whenever I turned to it. This situation is only an extension of what I've been dealing with my entire life. Hopefully this time my mom will finally get the help she needs and appricate me for someone who loves her unconditionally.