Monday, May 18, 2009

like a really big sneeze

"didn't have a camera by my side this time
hoping I would see the world through both my eyes"

Please don't hate me for quoting John Mayer but the lyric fits for my weekend. I had so much fun, saw so many things and it was nice for once to not experience it through my viewfinder.

So, no pictures just a journal entry. Feel free to check back tomorrow for some daisy pictures. I'll be on the search for them later today.

The tall one had my route on Thursday and Friday and I got to see him all day, which was both awesome (yay afternoon kisses!) and fun as it became the office gossip when they saw us together, love it, so Friday I decided to spend it home alone. Justin had just returned from Belgium and Casey was trying to get me to come out, but I'm waiting until next paycheck as I'm broke broke broke. Saving up for a camera is hard! I turned off the lights, lit some candles and had a nice cry with Grey's Anatomy. I swear to you, that shit is therapy. It's a nice release, actually. I don't cry much anymore and sometimes it feels good. Like a really big sneeze.

Saturday Casey texted me that he needed some Stacy time so I took him out of the city and up to Edmonds to wander around the beach and watch the ferry. He's been down lately, but we all go through this and he's dealing with it in a very healthy way. I'm actually really proud of him. I'm a big fan of understanding your emotions and he's been spending a lot of time sorting them out, which is way healthier than just pushing them aside and not acknowledging them. Although, sometimes he can think a little bit too much. It's weird how we can be a slave to our own minds, not being able to quiet the voices that tell us all the negative things but we have no problem shutting out the positive.

I dropped Casey off and met up with Lucas for a trip to Costco. I hadn't been there in AGES and I was a little overwhelmed and for a second felt like a third world refugee who had never seen a grocery store before. The amount of food that was stacked row upon endless row was enough to feed a small nation and yet we wander passed it, completely oblivious to how lucky we actually are to have access to this much crap...and I do mean crap. Have you ever read the "nutritional facts" of a Marie Calendars Pot Pie? Holy hell. However, before I knew it our cart was filled and things I never thought I needed that much of I now had. Except for the toilet paper...yes, I actually do need 36 rolls.



After the division of food (thank you, thank you, thank you!) we went chasing the sunset on Somerset. My favorite view by far was at the golf course. The sun was hovering right above the Cascades with Seattle backlit and dark, each neighborhood rolling out from the center of the city like waves. There was an older gentleman who was unpacking his Pentax old school medium format film camera and this huge telephoto lens (I'm thinking around 500mm, but I didn't ask) that he told me they no longer make due to the chemicals that go into creating it. I love talking with the older photographers and I probably would have chatted his ear off, but we had other spots to check out so we left him to photography the pretty.

I had been wanting to rent a kayak and go boating on Lake Washington for the longest time so when the tall one suggested it as a Sunday activity I jumped up in glee...ok, not really, but I was really excited about it. It was sooo much fun! There were turtles and herons, huge meadows of daisies and long pathways of water with overhanging branches covered in beautiful green leaves. We stopped for a picnic and watched the other boaters for a while before heading back to drop off the kayak. The street fair was going on up on the Ave and we wandered around that for a while, eating mini doughnuts and corn dogs all the while adding to the lovely sunburn that made itself known to me this morning in the shower. Ouch.

Lucas is always surprised when we do something that is quintessential Seattle fun and I say it's my first time ever doing it. It's strange to me too as I grew up here, but really I only spent time in the city the last few years that I lived in Washington before moving to LA. Most of my time was spent in the south end and I hardly ever got up to Seattle. My memories are of Mt. Rainer and the Puyallup Fair with the occasional trip to the Space Needle.

Let me preface this with: I wouldn't give up last year for anything. I was able to move home, learn photography and explore the mountains with a good friend...but underneath it all was frustration, sadness, fear and a longing for something more. That is all gone now. The people I surround myself with let me be me, I don't have to hold back or pretend to be what I feel they want me to be. I don't fault my old friend for anything, I think the idea of me was what he was looking for rather than the actual me. I changed quite a bit from the girl he once knew and even though I tried, I couldn't go back.

As I begin my summer months with a new friend by my side and a happiness in my heart I'm so grateful for life, friends and family and for the opportunity to be me...unquestionably me.

Besides, it's way to exhausting trying to be someone else. I'm a handful as is :-)

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