Sunday, July 05, 2009


Six Feet Under is one of my all time favorite shows. When I heard that Alan Ball was creating a new series, and that it was all about vampires, I was riveted; however I waited until the first season was done to watch it. True Blood is every bit as sexy, smart, funny and revolting as his former series to the point where there was an episode that I couldn't even finish the last half of it I was so emotional over it.

In the episode titled Plaisir D'Amour a character goes through an exorcism (the show takes place in New Orleans so there is a lot of voodoo referenced) and it gave me an idea. After the interesting events that have unfolded over the last few days, honestly I think I'm in need of one.

I had this boyfriend around 8 years ago who really did a number on me. He was beautiful, and kind and sweet and loved me. Boy did he love me. He was a student at UC Berkeley studying political science. I would drive down to SF on the weekends to be with him, I'd spend summers in LA (he was originally from there) and he would come up to Seattle all the time to be with me. We would lay in bed deciding on our wedding location and children's names. For three years we did this, and then one day I stumbled across something that blew up my entire world. He actually had another girlfriend, they were together the entire time we were together, he would spend a weekend with me then go see her. They planned their wedding too...and how did I find out all this? The stupid bitch called me when she found my phone number on his call logs.

I broke down, I lost all sense of reality, I spent an entire weekend taking vicodin every three hours so I wouldn't feel any pain. Before this man I was trusting, I believed in the good in people, I trusted when someone told me where they were going and who they were going to be with. I had no reason not to. I moved to LA to be with him, I planned the rest of my life with this person who actually never existed. He was created by a sociopath, hell bent on manipulating me and any other woman he came in contact with, and trust me there were many.

The 5 years I spent in LA took the rest of the faith out of me. I knew people were in it for themselves, I never expected anything more than they could give me and I also never thought that they were in it for me. I knew everyone had their own agenda and that knowledge helped me to stop counting on people. My mom let me down, the men in my life let me down, I was making poor choices in the people I was surrounding myself with...and in LA that all stopped.

My family there was, and is still, my rock. Anytime I needed support and love and escape I could drive the 50 miles out to Camarillo and my little Jolie would curl up in my lap and look at me with those unconditionally loving eyes and everything would be ok. The girls that I made my friends were the strongest and most amazing group of ladies I'd ever met. But I still wasn't healed.

I find myself now with the most amazing, beautiful, kind, warm, considerate, sexy, smart, strong, and stable man I've ever had the pleasure of meeting. I'm amazed every day that he picked me. We came across a situation this weekend that I've wanted for a long time, I was so excited that I came to be with someone who was just as adventurous as I am. However, I just couldn't because of two things; I had no idea how much I had actually fallen for the boy, and I had too many demons inside me to let it happen.

I'm ready to exercise those demons, I'm ready for them to be gone. It's not fair for anyone that I'm around to have to deal with that bullshit. It's to the point where I don't even want to bring new people into my life for fear that I'll fuck it up with all the things I've been trying to work though but haven't yet. It's fucking ridiculous.

Tara got her's done for $799.95...anyone know a good witch doctor?

In other news, the 4th (for the most part) was really fun. I adore the tall one's friends, and of course everyone knows my view on fireworks (YAY!!). I also realized that my boyfriend's powers of persuasion have no limits.

Oh, and he's sexy as hell.

Listen to Zero 7

That is all.

1 comment:

Melissa said...

Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry... and I think I have what you need. You shoulda seen me about a year ago at this time - FUBAR! But not anymore. Call me.