Tuesday, August 04, 2009
Because it wouldn't be me unless I played with textures.
Yesterday I received some interesting news and it's left me contemplative. Text messages ensued from the tall one once he heard and some of the things he wrote made me question how I deal with people and situations. Not in a bad way, more so just trying to understand why I let people have control of my emotions and personal space and not question it at all. I think it's two things: one, I don't like confrontations (strangely enough) and two, I don't like to see people hurt. Most of the time I'd rather it be me because I know I can handle it, I don't trust that other people can.
Trust is another issue too. I trust that people have my best interest at heart, but only on the surface. Deep down there is an underlying feeling that what people are saying is a lie, that it's all a story, that they are only saying something to either try and make either me or themselves feel better. It's weird, and most of the time I can suppress it but it's always there. Also, when something bad happens my first instinct is to blame myself. Again...totally weird.
So when I heard the news yesterday my first thought was it's just things. My second was, gah, I hope he's ok. My third was, oh crap is this my karma from not being able to save my mom's things? No anger, no frustration, no sadness, just a series of thoughts going back and forth between "be calm and rational" and "I hate seeing someone hurt". My feelings were kinda secondary.
Taking all this one step at a time, I learned much more today than I was told and now I'm disappointed. This could have been avoided and had I not stepped in today I would have lost even more. Still no anger, just disappointment. Out of all the things that's happened with us, this is what finally made me wonder if I can ever really trust him again. There are so many things that I wish I could say to him and even while writing a letter to this effect I was still wording it so as to cause the least bit of damage. I'm not sure why I do this...
And yet still, I'm calm. No tears, no anger, just lots and lots of reflection; and whiskey. I like it though, it's interesting, it sparks debate, it makes me look inward and question my actions, it helps me to move forward and learn. I can't feel sorry for myself for this loss...it's just things. In the end we leave all of it here and only memories live on.
So f' it :-)