Tuesday, October 13, 2009

my birthday

If you were born with Saturn in Leo, the issues during your Saturn Return will be about being "chosen" or "special", melodrama, the heroic myth, relationship to the Creator, children, creativity and love affairs.

I've been acutely aware of that planet Saturn and it's return after being blissfully absent in my life for 28 or so years. Not that those 28 years were a cake walk, but I had a feeling that true to it's harvesty roots, I would be reaping what I sowed during my Saturn Return. I was pleasantly surprised to see that wasn't the case.

I looked up where Saturn was when I was born and laughed when I read the quote I posted here. Being "special" is a central theme to my only child, fatherless, childlike mother and irrationally selfish issues. I hate to share; I hate sharing people, I hate sharing traditions and I hate sharing moments. It's so ridiculous and yet I'm constantly pushing that to all who are around me. It dissipated quite a bit when I hit thirty, but it's rearing it's ugly head again and I can only assume it's because of my intense infatuation with a very tall man.

Melodrama is a given. I was born in the week of the theater. It's hard to think back to some of the childish, immature and bullshit things I would do just to get attention. I would throw fits, I would start fights, I would act like a little 4 year old that didn't have words to express what she was feeling so she would just lay down and scream in the middle of a crowded store. Oh yeah...that was me.

Love affairs is easy. In the last 4 years I have been with three men who drastically changed the way I think, the way I see the world and the way I see people. Bill pulled the little girl right out of me and made me grow up. Del gave me my eye and my outlet for the creativity I've always had inside me but had no idea how to let out. Lucas has given me forgiveness, acceptance and communication. Something only my Uncle George and Carolyn ever gave me. To have a man who I am dating give me that is so mind blowing that I still try to sabotage it because I don't think I deserve it.

Relationship to the creator and creativity go hand in hand for me. Last year I would wake up every sunday morning and climb the highest mountain I could reach and look out over the beautiful view and cry. Not because I was sad, but because I felt so lucky to live in a world so breathtakingly stunning. Those moments I felt closer to the spiritual world than I ever had in a church. Plus, finally I had a way to capture it. My photography, even if it's not the best in the world, has been such an outlet for me that I see the world different now. I feel like every blink of my eye is a shutter click. My eyes see the light in a way that I've never known.

Casey asked me what it's like going through the Return as a woman and I really couldn't find the right words to be able to explain it. I'm glad that I've kept a journal since I moved to Washington as I think it's the best way for me to really remember that I've come along way and to not go back. I was laying in bed with the tall one on Sunday crying because I feel like I have no idea how to be in a relationship. I've never had the tools given to me, I've never been in a stable and healthy enough one to really be ok with myself and my partner, the only one I ever did witness was George and Carolyn and thank god for them or else I would have given up a long time ago. I still have no idea how to tell the boy I'm in love with him. One day I'll stop being so guarded and let myself say it but I still have no clue how.

It's weird, my Saturn Return was way easier than actually putting the lessons I learned into practice. Being a grown up is hard.

My 32 year was very different from my 31'st. I haven't really settled on a pattern yet here. My first year was hiking, mountains, drinking rum on saturday nights and playing video games. My second year was exploring all that the city of Seattle had to offer, new friends, concerts, finally being able to hold the hand of the man next to me and kiss him whenever I wanted...and boy did I ever! Perhaps it's the constant change, the fact that I haven't settled that's making me panic. I'm a creature of habit and I'm shaking that up. I need to appreciate that instead of resenting it. Embrace the change instead of fearing it. Don't fall into the complacency I so hated in the personalities of the people I left behind in Washington when I moved to LA. Be proactive instead of reactive.

My list of resolutions is growing...

So it's my birthday, and I'm grateful to still have my mom on this earth, to have the amazing friends that I have, to have met an adorable and wonderful boyfriend, to have been included in his circle of friends, to have a best friend that calls me almost every day to chat, to have my health, to have my family....and to just be.

Thanks all.

Also to note: I just rambled on this post...please excuse run on sentences and misspellings :)


Melissa said...

Happy birthday!

Campbell Photography said...

It's uncanny how similar we are. WOW. I feel the same way about George and Carolyn; I always have.

I also don't have my father, but am blessed to have my mother, and believe it or not, (heh) Photography is the same for me: a shutter click with each blink and a new way to see and share the world with others.

I don't know how to love either. I have pushed away everyone I have ever loved, and some that I didn't, of course, but this natural reflex to not let anyone in is a dangerous one. I don't often know it's happening until it's much too late, and I have found that most people in the world won't tell you when it's happening, nor will they scale all the walls I seem to erect.

So, that said, Blog on, sista! And love on too... as best you can. It's enough for me! :)

stacy marie said...

thank you melissa :)

Hilary, thank you for coming over here and reading my ramblings. It means so much to me and I hope that someday soon we can both break through these walls we've built up. Lord knows we both deserve a little happiness and love :)