New years eve hasn't been the best evening for me. It's been a while since I enjoyed a nice one with no drama and unfortunately this year was no different.
Gah. I swear...one of these days.
However, as I sat down next to the tall one's friend Sharon she whispered in my ear "you know (the tall one's ex) will be showing up this evening, right?"
Well, it was a good evening. I don't know why I can't get over this girl who shows up everywhere and is increasingly childish in her demeanor. At first it wasn't so bad. We ended up at a concert together and a couple tuesday night dinners...but then all the sudden she became a jealous little girl. Perhaps she had been like that all along, I don't know, but I've noticed it more and more now and it's completely uncomfortable. But the thing that bothers me most is that I compare myself to her. I hate it. It's completely my doing, but I can't freaking stop.
So I continue drinking and smiling, hoping that she doesn't show up, hoping that perhaps she will end up somewhere else and I'll have a nice quiet new years with my friends and my tall one...and then a tiny little asian girl in an equally tiny red dress and uncomfortably tall heels arrives. And lets everyone know it.
We wandered back to the house and drank a little more. After about an hour and half of watching the ex flirt with the tall one, throw dirty looks in my direction and generally piss me off, I lost it. I got up and walked past her and muttered something under my breath. It was at that point I walked out because I knew I would start something if I didn't. His friend Michael saw this and followed me and I sat outside in the drizzling rain and just started crying.
I was crying for many reasons. I knew I'd never be like this little girl. I care about clothing and dressing up, but I've never had the money to do it so I've become accustomed to being causal and not wearing shoes that I have to take off after 15 minutes because they hurt so bad. I'll always be chubby because I love food and drink. I'll never need to be the center of attention because I just really don't give a shit. I know my boyfriend knows all this and loves me just the way I am.
And yet I still cried that I'll "never be a tiny little asian girl (no shit stacy) that can wear a little red dress". I cried that I'm not enough for him, that he'll want something else...I cried and blubbered into Micheal's chest until the tall one came out and took over the duty of wiping my eyes.
The stupid thing is that all of this was a complete insult not only to me, but to the tall one as well. If he wanted that he'd still be with her, if he wanted that he sure as hell wouldn't be with me and if he wanted that I wouldn't be moving in with him. Plus, why compare myself to something I could never be? It's like comparing myself to a 6 foot tall black model. I'll never be black, I'll never be 6 feet tall so why compare myself to that?
Funny thing is, I like me. I like my body in all it's forms; thin, chubby, in between. It's all me and I can always find something that I like about myself. But when it comes to other people I put myself up to these crazy standards and assume that's what they want when really if they wanted that they'd be with that. I'm not a consolation prize, people aren't settling for me, the tall one didn't settle for me because he can't have something else. He chose me. I need to stop disrespecting myself so much and remember that.
I keep thinking of this comment that Bill used to always say "If I don't like someone, they don't exist to me anymore. I don't use the word hate because if I do hate someone it's like saying they still mean something to me for them to create such an emotion.". I'd like to try and put that into action...but I know that by even writing this she still wins because she pissed me off so much that I'm still thinking about it, about her.
Although I'd like to say that my NYE sucked (and I did say that earlier didn't I?) besides letting a little girl get under my skin, I still kissed the boy of my dreams under a drizzly sky with fireworks pounding away in our ears...and I know next year I'll do it again.
I learn so much every year. I don't think a moment has gone by that hasn't made me contemplative and 2009 was no different. It's odd having someone around me who is so super supportive of me that I really hope I don't push him away because I talk about every, tiny little detail...but there I go again. That's what I do, and he knows this is how I am and if he didn't like it he wouldn't be here. So there.
Take that negative Stacy! :-P