Monday, January 25, 2010

now the fun part begins!

Last night while standing amongst a huge pile of clothes, sandwiched in between my newly moved couch, 5 boxes and the bed in the living room, tears sprang to my eyes. Not like it's much of a stretch to get me to cry, but it was a bit of an emotional day after moving the last bits of belongings from the apartment I had lived in for over a year in a neighborhood that I loved, round the corner from my favorite restaurants and my best friend to a new place that I didn't own and I had to share (only child syndrome), that was in a neighborhood still foreign to me and filled with residents that will perpetually stay the same age while I get older and fatter.

Overwhelmed as I was, the tears weren't just about the massive amount of shit that needed to be done nor where the hell was I going to shove all this stuff that I had packed up from the old place, but mostly they were about the transition. I've done this before, it's nothing new, but going through it with someone while I work through my emotions and fears and while I let go of an old life and embrace a new one scares the shite out of me. When I moved up to Seattle from LA I went through the worst experience EVER in trying to transition from a life in fast paced Los Angeles to a small suburb apartment in Bellevue, Washington. It was HORRID and I was freaking out and unfortunately the man I was moving in with was so concerned about how he is perceived by the world and by me that he took my freak out to be all about him instead of helping me to transition.

I won't say I was a peach during that time, and trust me I learned a lot from that experience and it's the only thing that stops me from currently running through the streets of the U-District shouting "WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ALL MY LIFE?" in regards to my current love. I learned to communicate better, but it helps to have someone who will also talk instead of retreating into a "cave".

Fuck I hated that phrase.

So as I stood there last night, tears streaming down my face, wearing my frustration, weariness and fear on my sleeve my adorable tall one stepped over the mess and pulled my slobbering face to his and told me he loved me and that he was so happy I was moving in.

Because he's awesome.

He's a model for all boyfriends. I want to bottle his awesomeness and sell it to women everywhere...or should I sell it to men so they too can be awesome? Seriously we could create world peace with that shit. You don't even know.

/ daily tall one awesomeness affirmation

Seeing as I haven't picked up my camera in exactly a month now (again, have you LOOKED outside? booo grey winter) I figured I'd give you a little update on one of my NYE resolutions. I joined a gym on December 31st and have been going 4 days a week and today is the beginning of my forth week. Since scales are the DEVIL I have no clue if I've lost any weight, but I can walk up the stairs without wanting to fall over and I can run 2 miles straight without stopping (unless the treadmill loses power...which totally happened! I think it was because I was running so awesomely fast, but the gym thinks it had something to do with the wiring...whatev). LOOK OUT MOUNTAINS!! HERE I COME!!

Once it gets a little sunnier out, that is.

Also, in honor of one my favorite comedian/baker/actor/freaking amazing person Mandi (her blog to be found here) who has embarked on a similar journey to mine, except she moved to FREAKIN CHICAGO! for her SLM (sweet lovin' man) and has also made it a point to get on the healthy bandwagon, I wanted to post my and the tall one's favorite low fat and easy recipe.

Chicken Tacos

makes 4 to 6 tacos

Ingredients:
4 or 6 10" tortillas (low carb if you want to be really good)
1 pre-cooked chicken from the deli of your local grocery store
2 tbls Dean and Deluca Chili Powder Blend which should be available at your local grocery store and is SUPER versatile and has a fraction of the salt of other blends, but you can substitute another (but don't! trust me on this)
1/4 cup of cheese
1 tomato, diced
handful of mixed greens or whatever lettuce you have in the fridge, chopped
1/4 cup of onion, diced
hot sauce of your choice

Directions:

Pre-heat oven to 350
Shred approximately 1 to 1/2 cups of the pre-made chicken breast and set aside. To a non-stick skillet on medium heat add the diced onion and let them sweat it out for about 4 minutes before adding the chicken to the skillet along with the chili powder and about a 1/4 cup of water, or enough to mix the chili powder evenly amongst the chicken and onions. Cover and let simmer for about 4 minutes, then uncover and allow for the water to evaporate before removing the skillet from the heat.
Place the tortillas into the oven, directly onto the rack, and allow to heat for 45 seconds to a minute then remove to a paper towel or extra plate and begin to assemble the tacos!
I put the chicken in first, then the cheese, then a few dashes of hot sauce, then lettuce, then tomatoes.

Then eat!!

No pictures because I was so starving last time I made them that I completely forgot.

A few notes:
If you'd like to have side dishes, may I suggest Trader Joes Organic Black Beans with a little shredded parmesan over the top. You can also use your new super yummy chili powder to make a "spanish rice" by adding a couple teaspoons of the powder to white rice before adding the water and then cook in a rice cooker or on the stove top. By using the non-stick skillet you don't need oil to brown up your onions so you save on calories there, and the left over pre-made chicken can be used in MULTIPLE dishes and is so great to have on hand for the nights that you just don't want to make anything. We use it in enchiladas, chicken salads, or just warm up a few pieces of the breast and pair it with small red baked potato and some steamed broccoli.

YUMMY!!

YAY FOOD!! YAY GYM!! YAY TALL ONE!! YAY SUN!!

*runs around waving hands in the air reminiscent of kermit the frog*

Thursday, January 14, 2010

changes

January is shaping up to be a busy month so my apologies for the absence of posts. I realized yesterday that I haven't picked up my camera since Christmas, but honestly when you look outside at the dark and dreary weather it's easy to understand why. The things going on in my life are much more interesting to me than the view I'm seeing out the window of my office.

Big changes for Stacy this month, for one:



I have a new car!! I can't even tell you how freakin' excited I am. The tall one bought it for us to travel in, to hike in, to camp in, to FIND PRETTY IN!! Then he up and gives it to me, because he's awesome and knows I'd die in the city without a car.

Also this month I shall be moving from the apartment that I haven't slept in since I got my appendix out in October to the house that I've been staying at instead of said apartment. We both figure that since we haven't killed each other in the last three months, we can cook together and not want to tear each others throats out, and we can't even spend a night apart without stupidly missing each other that we should probably just make it official. Plus, I love him and he loves me and we love each other and life is AWESOME together...you know, I mean, there is that.



Edit: How could I forget!! My passport came!! I opened up that package and started crying, really I did. I feel like finally the world  is open to me. I can go anywhere, and I will be soon. Our first big trip is being planned and it will include Istanbul, Prague and German during Oktoberfest. First I do believe we'll test out the passport in Vancouver, BC...just in case.



So stay tuned kiddies, life is getting very interesting!

Tuesday, January 05, 2010

one day a good new years...

New years eve hasn't been the best evening for me. It's been a while since I enjoyed a nice one with no drama and unfortunately this year was no different.

Gah. I swear...one of these days.


It started out great, like it always does. My adorable boyfriend and I went to a party held at his friends house on The Hill. If you step outside her door you get a great view of the space needle so it was a perfect place to watch the fireworks. Once we arrived all his friends were there and it was nice to just sit in the big couch surrounded by good people, drinking and having fun. I was directed towards the gin and began sipping on my favorite libation.

However, as I sat down next to the tall one's friend Sharon she whispered in my ear "you know (the tall one's ex) will be showing up this evening, right?"

sigh.

Well, it was a good evening. I don't know why I can't get over this girl who shows up everywhere and is increasingly childish in her demeanor. At first it wasn't so bad. We ended up at a concert together and a couple tuesday night dinners...but then all the sudden she became a jealous little girl. Perhaps she had been like that all along, I don't know, but I've noticed it more and more now and it's completely uncomfortable. But the thing that bothers me most is that I compare myself to her. I hate it. It's completely my doing, but I can't freaking stop.



So I continue drinking and smiling, hoping that she doesn't show up, hoping that perhaps she will end up somewhere else and I'll have a nice quiet new years with my friends and my tall one...and then a tiny little asian girl in an equally tiny red dress and uncomfortably tall heels arrives. And lets everyone know it.

again...le sigh.


Things become blurry at this point. The time for midnight had come so we wandered outside with Sharon and played with noise makers (which I do remember throwing hers into a bush...sorry love) and then when the fireworks went off there were kisses all around and I actually got to see the fireworks this year instead of watching the sky light up beneath the E.E. Robbins sign.

We wandered back to the house and drank a little more. After about an hour and half of watching the ex flirt with the tall one, throw dirty looks in my direction and generally piss me off, I lost it. I got up and walked past her and muttered something under my breath. It was at that point I walked out because I knew I would start something if I didn't. His friend Michael saw this and followed me and I sat outside in the drizzling rain and just started crying.

I was crying for many reasons. I knew I'd never be like this little girl. I care about clothing and dressing up, but I've never had the money to do it so I've become accustomed to being causal and not wearing shoes that I have to take off after 15 minutes because they hurt so bad. I'll always be chubby because I love food and drink. I'll never need to be the center of attention because I just really don't give a shit. I know my boyfriend knows all this and loves me just the way I am.

And yet I still cried that I'll "never be a tiny little asian girl (no shit stacy) that can wear a little red dress". I cried that I'm not enough for him, that he'll want something else...I cried and blubbered into Micheal's chest until the tall one came out and took over the duty of wiping my eyes.

The stupid thing is that all of this was a complete insult not only to me, but to the tall one as well. If he wanted that he'd still be with her, if he wanted that he sure as hell wouldn't be with me and if he wanted that I wouldn't be moving in with him. Plus, why compare myself to something I could never be? It's like comparing myself to a 6 foot tall black model. I'll never be black, I'll never be 6 feet tall so why compare myself to that?

Funny thing is, I like me. I like my body in all it's forms; thin, chubby, in between. It's all me and I can always find something that I like about myself. But when it comes to other people I put myself up to these crazy standards and assume that's what they want when really if they wanted that they'd be with that. I'm not a consolation prize, people aren't settling for me, the tall one didn't settle for me because he can't have something else. He chose me. I need to stop disrespecting myself so much and remember that.

I keep thinking of this comment that Bill used to always say "If I don't like someone, they don't exist to me anymore. I don't use the word hate because if I do hate someone it's like saying they still mean something to me for them to create such an emotion.". I'd like to try and put that into action...but I know that by even writing this she still wins because she pissed me off so much that I'm still thinking about it, about her.

Grrr.

Although I'd like to say that my NYE sucked (and I did say that earlier didn't I?) besides letting a little girl get under my skin, I still kissed the boy of my dreams under a drizzly sky with fireworks pounding away in our ears...and I know next year I'll do it again.

I learn so much every year. I don't think a moment has gone by that hasn't made me contemplative and 2009 was no different. It's odd having someone around me who is so super supportive of me that I really hope I don't push him away because I talk about every, tiny little detail...but there I go again. That's what I do, and he knows this is how I am and if he didn't like it he wouldn't be here. So there.

Take that negative Stacy! :-P